Kathryn's Inbox Exclusive: Woman Shocked to Learn that Sesame Street Muppets Are Asexual
NOWHERESVILLE, AUSTRALIA--After years of speculation, local resident Irene Moore was allegedly "shocked" to learn that the characters from television's Sesame Street do not have sexual identities and are, in fact, puppets designed to help preschoolers learn basic, age appropriate lessons such as counting and all of the letters in the alphabet. Moore had spent many afternoons with her friends around at the local cafe, speculating on the personal lives of each of the muppets. "I would have said that it was obvious that Bert and Ernie were meant to represent a gay couple," Moore sighs. "The girls from the cafe agree with me as well. After a lot of discussion, it was also decided that Cookie Monster was meant to represent people with unusual fetishes and that Mr Snuffleupagus was masturbation fodder for Big Bird, with Snuffleupagus' trunk representing the penis that Big Bird wished that he had. We also felt that Zoe was a bit of a slut, but we changed our minds when one of the girls, Glenda, said that she felt offended by that."
Moore's theories on the characters from Sesame Street were disproved when her teenage son, Alfred who identifies as homosexual and is tired of being constantly bombarded with gifts of Bert and Ernie t-shirts from his mother, shared an article on his facebook that included a quote from the Sesame Workshop CEO stating that the characters "... do not exist below the waist."
When asked by our reporter why she would take so much stock in the sex lives of puppets, Irene Moore politely suggested that we go and get a life and to consider reporting some real news for a change, instead of publishing badly written pieces of satire than no one cares about anyway ...